Things That Are Strange

5) Granny chewing on a pepperoni stick even though she has no teeth. She just waits till it gets soggy and then just swallows it. Why do old people lose their teeth? I bet it was when she smoked her face off of our granite counters after falling from the chair trying to hide her water bottle.

4) My dad having a girlfriend and a wife. It's weird because my mom isn't allowed to know because my dad says she would get mad that it is her sister. But it's family, very mystery to me

3) After my brother dared me to drink something called GIN, I woke up the next morning with no memory of the night before. Get this, I woke up in a barn in America, which is at least 20,000 km away. I must have hit my head because it was sore. Oh yeah, and maybe that carpenter nail sticking out of it made it sore as well.

2) My dog Melvin went to doggy camp forever because all he did was jump on the mailman when he approached. I guess maybe its because he dragged his severed arm back into the house, but why would my parents send him to a fun camp if he was bad? Still beats me

1) For some reason no one was laughing after I found a grass snake and for jokes put it in the toilet. I guess they weren't laughing because Grandpa Roger had a massive heart attack when he was taking a dump. Still, give me a break, laugh a little.

My First Hockey Game

I showed up early at 10:00am and promptly got told to leave. I came back at 5:30 and I was in AWE. First thing was the massive set of stairs on both sides of the arena. My perfect night started to go badly right then and there. As I was walking up, I heard " I CAN'T HOLD ON!", and then a 90 year old man rolling down like a rag doll. I didn't see what happened after that because a bed sheet was quickly placed over him. I hope he was okay. Next, I went to go buy a pint and a slice of pizza. As I was approaching the stand, a man was heard saying, "SORRY FOLKS, PIZZA IS SOLD OUT". Are you kidding me? So I went to get a beer, and guess what? It was warm!! I poured it out right in front of the prick that served it yelling "HERE'S YOUR TIP ASSHOLE". I was finally ready to find my seat. I was so excited because Robbie Smith was my favourite player growing up. Take a guess what happened next?? "SCRATCHED FROM TONIGHT'S GAME: ROBBIE SMITH" I fucking lost it. I slapped the first man I saw because I didn't care. I guess that man was the wrong guy to mess with because the next thing I remember, I was waking up in the emergency room with two swollen eyes. Still quite the experience though.

Things That Really Gross Me Out

1) The smell coming out of dad's bathroom after he reads a whole magazine in there. Like does he really need to read the whole thing?

2) Watching my 10 year old brother get viciously attacked by an angry rattle snake in the back yard while I stand there helpless

3) When Granny cuts a fart after plowing through a plate of cheese fries. Tastes like metal in my mouth for a day after. Like seriously

4) My sister's face.

5) My uncles legs after he got rolled under a van last spring. They are still sickly looking

6) My first paycheck from Hortons. I couldn't even afford to buy a car when I got it, like give me a break. (update * I told Gordo my manager to cook his own damn coffee and I quit, I had enough)

7) For some reason, after my Principal Susie Mack checked my hair for lice at school, she started dry coughing and then puked in her desk drawer. Like ewww

8) My friend Steve's nose hair. I actually watched it start curling it was so long. What made it worse was when he was dead.

9) I once ate rotted pizza. The thing is I knew it was rotted. But you can't fault a man for wanting a slice now and then.

10) My first kiss. Not what you think. I tripped and fell face first into Reggie's, my dog, asshole. YUCK

First Day of School

My first day of school was full of unusual events. The first thing was getting on the bus, which didn't happen. When the bus pulled up, Gino , the bus driver opened the door and proceeded to swig his beer in front of my mom. She grabbed me as I was getting on, but Gino yelled "FUCK THIS" and sped off, only my leg got caught in the door and I was dragged violently for 400 yards. Next thing I know i'm waking up attached to a robot feeding me liquids. My legs were shattered into 40 individual pieces. My ears were sowed back onto the back of my head. My hands were hanging my skin threads. My rib cage was literally exposed. To say the least, first day of high school didn't go quite as planned. 4 years later, I recovered enough to finally go for my first day...again. Only this time Gino was steaming drunk and he completely lost control of his bus and rolled off an 80 foot bridge. Luckily I hadn't been picked up yet, so I walked and got written up for being late. Talk about bad luck. I was able to laugh about it later though.

How You Know Your House Is Haunted

1) Your aunt Edna reads you bed time stories, only thing is Edna's been dead for 5 years
2) You wake up on the toilet even though you swear you were in bed? I don't know
3) Your brother is being an asshole for no known reason, something must be up?
4) You see a floater in the bathtub, must be like a ghost. How does it float? Supernatural?
5) Your stash of Half moons is always missing. Worst part is the ghost replaces it with Joe Louis cakes. Super scary
6) tHe Senators always lose on Saturday nights. Must be the work of the devil? I wish I knew
7) When I laugh really hard and also drinking milk at the same time, it ALWAYS comes out my nose? Really?? Not normal
8) I can't have a nap without someone tapping on my window. Or someTHING? Still, it might only be my neighbor Charvis whose a complete a-hole. He doesn't even mow our grass when he's doing his. Talk about lame
9) I see a severed head in the basement that blinks at me
10) Granny drank a quart of gin and went missing for 2 days. Was she abducted? Maybe drunk and passed out under the stairs. We still don't know

Top 5 Summer Fights

5- Me vs my brother: He ate the last pop tart and didn't even ask mom, so I called him on it and put the boots to him. Winner- My brother, he suckered me into the back yard and put the hose around my neck making me sleep.

4- Me vs my sister: She got mad because I took off all the heads of her Barbies, and she called me on it and put the boots to me. Winner- No one. We both lost because mom didn't give us dinner, which was Zoodles, my favorite.

3- Me vs an old dirty picture of Uncle Ron: Last time I was there he turned the tv off on me at midnight. So I said " My dad told me you were a mistake", and he sent me home. So I took his framed picture and put it in safekeeping where no one can see his mug. Winner: Uncle Ron, because I still didn't get to watch Bleu Nuit, which is my favorite nude

2- Me vs Debbie Dibs: He was on my hockey team and he left a human poo in my skate for a joke, but I wasn't a joke to me. I took a knife to his throat and told him to quit it. Winner: Debbie, he started crying and got me kicked off the team. For what?

1- Me vs Granny: One dinner she made me only one grilled cheese, even though I asked for two. So I pushed her down a flight of stairs. She actually got up and we fist fighted for an hour straight. Winner: Granny, she put me through a wall and I was put on life support for 10 weeks. How could a sweet old lady do this? thats what the cops asked, so she took off running

Maybe its the summer heat?

Things that are strange

1) RC COLA- what does RC stand for? Retarded coke
2) MY FEET SMELL- enough to make a billy goat puke, my socks are like cake after I take them off
3) MY DAD ALWAYS POOPING- like come on!
4) ME BEING CROSS-EYED- my dad says because I was charged by a monkey at the zoo when I was 4 and got tossed around
5) CHEMICALS- I drank a lot of stuff I found in the bathroom called bleach and was in the doctors for 6 months.

is it just me?? or are these things really strange

Drama Thoughts

Have you ever looked into the eye of a homeless man? He tells you a story without saying a word. I found out Reggie, the dude who lives in the neighborhood dumpster, fought in the civil war. That's right, 1845 civil war. This guy is 85 years old. When I told him "It's okay, I understand", he grabbed me by the throat and said "That's my sandwich!" My mom tells me he's hungry all the time and to not take his food. So, being curious, I offered him a box of Jos Louis. He said "ARE YOU FUCKING CRAZY, THOSE THINGS ARE THE WORST" Even a hobo man hates Jos Louis. SO then I offer him a Half Moon. He now runs one of the most successful high-tech companies and was voted "Youngest Business Man of the Year" award. Go figure.

Greeting Card

My love for you can be compared to the wind blowing. So beautiful and graceful. It only sucks when its a tornado and then love turns into pure panic. But that rarely happens. Love you

Greeting Card

Hope you get better soon Granny!! I still can't believe you shattered every bone in your hip by falling over the table, probably drunk. Love Brian

Greeting Card

Congrats on 50 years of living. The only thing about getting old that sucks, is that you really start smelling. We still love you though uncle Ron

Greeting Card

If and when you get into a horrific car accident, I will call the ambulance for you, and even talk to you until the paramedics arrive. That is how much I enjoy your company. (Disclaimer: I will puke on the sight of blood, and I will leave)

Top 10 Summer Foods

10. Grill ems: The only part I hate is when it blows up and burns you half to death
9. Straight Gin- When you want to get LICKED
8. Lettuce Heads- Sometimes there is dirt in them so I wash them with soap
7. Gummy Worms- If you don't think so, then i'll fight you
6. Mustard- I once had mustard on my shirt for 4 years, little yellow bastards
5. Snickers- My mom hides these cause I once ate a whole box in one sitting and shit my pants...
4. Oh Henry- So much butter in these bad boys. My brother eats these more then me, he's fat
3. Half Moons- Like I would leave this off the list. Beckers can't keep these in stock. The manager called me an asshole
2. Hot Hamburgs-Slide these into your gut
1. Licorice??? I LIKE CANDY SO WHAT? YOU DONT KNOW ME

Drama Thoughts

What would be a world without RUM? Many angry people would flip over cars with their bare hands cause they loved rum so much. Men would punch each other in the faces, and many cops would be called by concerned on-lookers to break up the fights. People would resort to drinking vodka instead, and Russia would not be able to handle the demand. I don't want to live in such a world. I hope RUM never runs out. Also, Coke would have a shit. PEACE

Debbie's first fight

Diblits woke up already in a bad mood. He even said "Fuck you sister" to his sister. When he got to his hockey game he took Ronalds, his teammate, by the collar and punched his stomach. THIS WAS FOR NO REASON. Fucking Ronalds was pissing blood cause of the blow, and Debbie said "Lets play some fucking hockey". Not one player stepped on the ice in protest of Debbie's actions. Debbie was demoralized. THE END