Tuesday, October 14, 2014
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Friday, October 3, 2014
Why i'm excited for the new season
One reason is I just love hockey. And I love the Ottawa Senators. But what i don't like is when my brother always tries to fist fight me when his favourite player, Jared Cowen, makes a mistake in his zone. Like, my brother will yell "I CAN'T TAKE THIS FUCK NO MORE" and then he just takes a swing at me, usually knocking me unconscious.
I think Kyle Turris is GOING TO DOMINATE THIS YEAR. But what scares me is that in our attic, I think lives a ghost. Because one time I was drinking GIN and then I saw my Granny take off running and when I looked up, I saw a 2-4 of beer just smashed to pieces. ONLY A GHOST WOULD DO THAT OR MY UNCLE RONNY BECAUSE HE'S MAYBE DRUNK ALL THE TIME BUT A GHOST SEEMS MORE PLAUSIBLE. Also, sometimes the walls bleed....
This is the year that Craig Anderson turns things around in the crease. But what might happen is that he gets hooked on the mini chocolate bars from Halloween and then he sleeps way too much because he's on the sugar hard and then he misses one practice, and then Paul MacLean calls the police because he's worried. But he was okay though, he was only sleeping.
I'm pretty sure this is the year that we might win the Stanley Cup. BUT this one time when I was in school, a girl named Sandy pushed me off the monkey bars because my face was "way too ugly". And you know what? That really hurt my feelings. Like, I had to order 2 pizzas that day just to calm down. And then I got my first job selling cookies door to door but I was fired because I sold a years supply to my Aunt Cheryl for only $2 and one pepperoni stick.
The last reason i'm excited for this season is because I think Erik Karlsson will do great as the next captain. But I still can't get over the fact that Pizza Hut changed the cheese in their stuffed crust to processed cheese. GIVE ME A BREAK PIZZA HUT, WE ALL WANT REAL CHEESE. WE ARE ALL DISAPPOINTED IN THIS DECISION.
I think Kyle Turris is GOING TO DOMINATE THIS YEAR. But what scares me is that in our attic, I think lives a ghost. Because one time I was drinking GIN and then I saw my Granny take off running and when I looked up, I saw a 2-4 of beer just smashed to pieces. ONLY A GHOST WOULD DO THAT OR MY UNCLE RONNY BECAUSE HE'S MAYBE DRUNK ALL THE TIME BUT A GHOST SEEMS MORE PLAUSIBLE. Also, sometimes the walls bleed....
This is the year that Craig Anderson turns things around in the crease. But what might happen is that he gets hooked on the mini chocolate bars from Halloween and then he sleeps way too much because he's on the sugar hard and then he misses one practice, and then Paul MacLean calls the police because he's worried. But he was okay though, he was only sleeping.
I'm pretty sure this is the year that we might win the Stanley Cup. BUT this one time when I was in school, a girl named Sandy pushed me off the monkey bars because my face was "way too ugly". And you know what? That really hurt my feelings. Like, I had to order 2 pizzas that day just to calm down. And then I got my first job selling cookies door to door but I was fired because I sold a years supply to my Aunt Cheryl for only $2 and one pepperoni stick.
The last reason i'm excited for this season is because I think Erik Karlsson will do great as the next captain. But I still can't get over the fact that Pizza Hut changed the cheese in their stuffed crust to processed cheese. GIVE ME A BREAK PIZZA HUT, WE ALL WANT REAL CHEESE. WE ARE ALL DISAPPOINTED IN THIS DECISION.
Friday, June 13, 2014
Top 10 signs it's officially summer
10: When your brother wakes you up and yells "LETS PLAY BASEBALL" and then though he takes a line drive directly to the nuts and the whole family is just crying and Uncle Jim gets arrested because of the liquor
9: Granny starts lifting weights outside at 6am because it's nice outside but then you hear mom yell "WHAT THE FUCK?" because Grannies bed is on fire on account of the lit cigarette
8: When my dad bought me roller blades but I was scared to try them, but then my dad yells "WATCH AND LEARN YOU FUCK" and he gets going down the hill 80mph and then you just see a cloud of dust and then an ambulance
7: When you see Uncle Jim pouring the liquor down the sink and he yells "ITS FOR YOUR OWN DAMN GOOD" and then your Granny taking a shovel to the side of his head. Happens every summer hahaha
6: You find out on the news that Jason Spezza wants a trade and then Granny yanks the TV off the wall and chucks it through the neighbours car windshield. That was the fourth time granny was arrested this summer
5: When you see a watermelon truck deliver 4 crates of watermelons followed by a vodka truck deliver 4 crates of vodka and then Uncle Jim walk out in his underwear to sign for it and then he gives the delivery guy a big hug
4: One time it was so hot out so I took off my shorts but forgot that I wasn't wearing underwear and then the girl named Sammie pointed and laughed at my peener
3: When you FINALLY get to wear sandals but then your brother is learning how to drive and he puts the car directly through the living room window pinning Aunt Edna under the car pretty good
2: When you FINALLY get to open the pool but Dad is drunk and electrocutes himself hardcore to the point where he shits himself :(
1: Your first Corona is opened and then you drink 23 more in one sitting and then you put your neighbour in a headlock because he's a fucking asshole.
9: Granny starts lifting weights outside at 6am because it's nice outside but then you hear mom yell "WHAT THE FUCK?" because Grannies bed is on fire on account of the lit cigarette
8: When my dad bought me roller blades but I was scared to try them, but then my dad yells "WATCH AND LEARN YOU FUCK" and he gets going down the hill 80mph and then you just see a cloud of dust and then an ambulance
7: When you see Uncle Jim pouring the liquor down the sink and he yells "ITS FOR YOUR OWN DAMN GOOD" and then your Granny taking a shovel to the side of his head. Happens every summer hahaha
6: You find out on the news that Jason Spezza wants a trade and then Granny yanks the TV off the wall and chucks it through the neighbours car windshield. That was the fourth time granny was arrested this summer
5: When you see a watermelon truck deliver 4 crates of watermelons followed by a vodka truck deliver 4 crates of vodka and then Uncle Jim walk out in his underwear to sign for it and then he gives the delivery guy a big hug
4: One time it was so hot out so I took off my shorts but forgot that I wasn't wearing underwear and then the girl named Sammie pointed and laughed at my peener
3: When you FINALLY get to wear sandals but then your brother is learning how to drive and he puts the car directly through the living room window pinning Aunt Edna under the car pretty good
2: When you FINALLY get to open the pool but Dad is drunk and electrocutes himself hardcore to the point where he shits himself :(
1: Your first Corona is opened and then you drink 23 more in one sitting and then you put your neighbour in a headlock because he's a fucking asshole.
Sunday, October 9, 2011
Happy Thanksgiving!!
Thanksgiving is a great time of year. Good food and good company. That's in most households, not mine. Here are some vomit inducing examples:
1) Uncle Ned somehow managed to swallow the turkey wishbone. That wishbone got lodged into his throat and he began choking uncontrollably at the table. Dad tried to step in to help but he only made it worse. All that pressure inside the throat allowed the bone to pierce through which in turn splattered blood all over Aunt Cheryl's face. She looked like that girl Carrie from the movie Carrie. Ned lived, but for some reason he talks like a robot now and when he smokes, it comes out his throat. Very unnerving
2) There was the time the rabid raccoon decided to join us for dinner. Out of no where this little guy jumps on the table drooling up a storm and making funny growling noises. He grabbed the potatoes and went to town on them, and then without warning, he attacked Grandpa Roger, I think without remorse. That was the second time Dad had to shoot his gun that day.
3) And the worst Thanksgiving ever was when Granny brought the dirtiest, most foulest hobo from downtown you've ever seen/smell home for dinner. Granny always had a spot in her heart for those in need and this was the best time of the year to lend a hand and a warm meal. But this little bastard wasn't interested in eating. As soon as he walked in the door he proceeded to take off his pants and have a poop on the living room carpet. Then he yelled " GOOD TUNE MAN" as Rod Stewart was playing. That's when he started dancing....naked. He grabbed Grannies lipstick and started rubbing it all over his face and he kept repeating " NANCY!! WHERE ARE YOU?" over and over again. All the kids were crying due to the paralyzing fear of this situation. Happy Thanksgiving Granny.....whatever
1) Uncle Ned somehow managed to swallow the turkey wishbone. That wishbone got lodged into his throat and he began choking uncontrollably at the table. Dad tried to step in to help but he only made it worse. All that pressure inside the throat allowed the bone to pierce through which in turn splattered blood all over Aunt Cheryl's face. She looked like that girl Carrie from the movie Carrie. Ned lived, but for some reason he talks like a robot now and when he smokes, it comes out his throat. Very unnerving
2) There was the time the rabid raccoon decided to join us for dinner. Out of no where this little guy jumps on the table drooling up a storm and making funny growling noises. He grabbed the potatoes and went to town on them, and then without warning, he attacked Grandpa Roger, I think without remorse. That was the second time Dad had to shoot his gun that day.
3) And the worst Thanksgiving ever was when Granny brought the dirtiest, most foulest hobo from downtown you've ever seen/smell home for dinner. Granny always had a spot in her heart for those in need and this was the best time of the year to lend a hand and a warm meal. But this little bastard wasn't interested in eating. As soon as he walked in the door he proceeded to take off his pants and have a poop on the living room carpet. Then he yelled " GOOD TUNE MAN" as Rod Stewart was playing. That's when he started dancing....naked. He grabbed Grannies lipstick and started rubbing it all over his face and he kept repeating " NANCY!! WHERE ARE YOU?" over and over again. All the kids were crying due to the paralyzing fear of this situation. Happy Thanksgiving Granny.....whatever
Saturday, August 13, 2011
Reasons My Dog Attacks Me
5- For fun, I walk up behind him, and I scare the living shit out of him. Out of being scared, I guess he tries to protect himself because he just goes to town on me. Bites, scratches, you name it.
4- When he's eating, I yell " HEY WHISKERS, LOOK OVER THERE", and as he looks I start eating his food. He gives me this look like he's saying "Thanks, i've been waiting a long time for this", and he just goes to town on me. That's the time I lost my big toe.
3- The time he had rabies, he attacked me for no reason whatsoever, so i'm not sure what that was about.
2- When I called his friend "Little Shit Head", he defended his honor by giving me the beating of a life time. That is the time he dragged me into a field and actually tried to bury me. Scary stuff
1- Granny used to train Whiskers to fetch her a beer from the fridge. But when there were no beers left, because Granny lost track, she lost it. She yelled "KILL", which I guess was a command to the dog, because I was badly injured that day. It took a fire hose to finally get Whiskers off me, and Granny locked her self in her room for a week, probably out of shame.
4- When he's eating, I yell " HEY WHISKERS, LOOK OVER THERE", and as he looks I start eating his food. He gives me this look like he's saying "Thanks, i've been waiting a long time for this", and he just goes to town on me. That's the time I lost my big toe.
3- The time he had rabies, he attacked me for no reason whatsoever, so i'm not sure what that was about.
2- When I called his friend "Little Shit Head", he defended his honor by giving me the beating of a life time. That is the time he dragged me into a field and actually tried to bury me. Scary stuff
1- Granny used to train Whiskers to fetch her a beer from the fridge. But when there were no beers left, because Granny lost track, she lost it. She yelled "KILL", which I guess was a command to the dog, because I was badly injured that day. It took a fire hose to finally get Whiskers off me, and Granny locked her self in her room for a week, probably out of shame.
Sunday, August 7, 2011
My Second Day of School
So, as previously stated, my FIRST day of school wasn't great. But if you thought that was bad, read THIS.
My second day of school got off on the wrong foot...literally. When I stepped out of bed, I pushed off with my left foot instead of the usual right. This threw my balance off and I started stumbling. I went right out the second story window and landed on my head. I was diagnosed with a GRADE 3 SECOND/34TH SPINE FRACTURE, or something like that. It was a horrific scene.
Well...that's pretty much it, you don't really go to school after an incident like that. At least I got to watch Uncle Buck in the hospital room, so that was kinda cool.
My second day of school got off on the wrong foot...literally. When I stepped out of bed, I pushed off with my left foot instead of the usual right. This threw my balance off and I started stumbling. I went right out the second story window and landed on my head. I was diagnosed with a GRADE 3 SECOND/34TH SPINE FRACTURE, or something like that. It was a horrific scene.
Well...that's pretty much it, you don't really go to school after an incident like that. At least I got to watch Uncle Buck in the hospital room, so that was kinda cool.
Thursday, August 4, 2011
My Worst Jobs...EVER
1) Pulling on my dad's finger when he needs to release gas. A fart essentially. I took it seriously, but everyone would laugh when he did it. Also, when I didn't get paid after 2 weeks of torture, I put plastic wrap over the toilet seat. And then I pulled his finger again. No one laughed after that. I was fired.
2) Being Mike Tyson's sparing partner. I lasted one punch. The left side of my face was caved in and I was eating through a straw for about a year. Worst part of it was...it wasn't even Mike Tyson. I was lying. It was a horse named Horace who kicked my head in after my parents neglected watching me. Or at least that's what child services said.
3) Cleaning Granny's dentures. It was sick, like I mean vomit sick. One day I put hot sauce on them because Granny was pissing me off. She didn't even react. I think because she was drunk. When she gave me only one quarter, I gave her the finger, and I quit.
4) Working at Hortons. My very first shift, I badly burned a client with a fresh pot of coffee and I got caught eating the left over honey crullers in front of customers. I didn't care anyways because they were pricks. Who throws out donuts anyways??? I was fired.
5) Sucking farts out of bus seats? Okay, even at the time I thought it was sketchy. I should have known Adam, my hockey teammate, wasn't a real employer. Hind sight is 20/20 my friends. I barely sucked any out anyways. I was just playing along...
2) Being Mike Tyson's sparing partner. I lasted one punch. The left side of my face was caved in and I was eating through a straw for about a year. Worst part of it was...it wasn't even Mike Tyson. I was lying. It was a horse named Horace who kicked my head in after my parents neglected watching me. Or at least that's what child services said.
3) Cleaning Granny's dentures. It was sick, like I mean vomit sick. One day I put hot sauce on them because Granny was pissing me off. She didn't even react. I think because she was drunk. When she gave me only one quarter, I gave her the finger, and I quit.
4) Working at Hortons. My very first shift, I badly burned a client with a fresh pot of coffee and I got caught eating the left over honey crullers in front of customers. I didn't care anyways because they were pricks. Who throws out donuts anyways??? I was fired.
5) Sucking farts out of bus seats? Okay, even at the time I thought it was sketchy. I should have known Adam, my hockey teammate, wasn't a real employer. Hind sight is 20/20 my friends. I barely sucked any out anyways. I was just playing along...
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