Saturday, August 13, 2011

Reasons My Dog Attacks Me

5- For fun, I walk up behind him, and I scare the living shit out of him. Out of being scared, I guess he tries to protect himself because he just goes to town on me. Bites, scratches, you name it.

4- When he's eating, I yell " HEY WHISKERS, LOOK OVER THERE", and as he looks I start eating his food. He gives me this look like he's saying "Thanks, i've been waiting a long time for this", and he just goes to town on me. That's the time I lost my big toe.

3- The time he had rabies, he attacked me for no reason whatsoever, so i'm not sure what that was about.

2- When I called his friend "Little Shit Head", he defended his honor by giving me the beating of a life time. That is the time he dragged me into a field and actually tried to bury me. Scary stuff

1- Granny used to train Whiskers to fetch her a beer from the fridge. But when there were no beers left, because Granny lost track, she lost it. She yelled "KILL", which I guess was a command to the dog, because I was badly injured that day. It took a fire hose to finally get Whiskers off me, and Granny locked her self in her room for a week, probably out of shame.

Sunday, August 7, 2011

My Second Day of School

So, as previously stated, my FIRST day of school wasn't great. But if you thought that was bad, read THIS.

My second day of school got off on the wrong foot...literally. When I stepped out of bed, I pushed off with my left foot instead of the usual right. This threw my balance off and I started stumbling. I went right out the second story window and landed on my head. I was diagnosed with a GRADE 3 SECOND/34TH SPINE FRACTURE, or something like that. It was a horrific scene.

Well...that's pretty much it, you don't really go to school after an incident like that. At least I got to watch Uncle Buck in the hospital room, so that was kinda cool.

Thursday, August 4, 2011

My Worst Jobs...EVER

1) Pulling on my dad's finger when he needs to release gas. A fart essentially. I took it seriously, but everyone would laugh when he did it. Also, when I didn't get paid after 2 weeks of torture, I put plastic wrap over the toilet seat. And then I pulled his finger again. No one laughed after that. I was fired.

2) Being Mike Tyson's sparing partner. I lasted one punch. The left side of my face was caved in and I was eating through a straw for about a year. Worst part of it was...it wasn't even Mike Tyson. I was lying. It was a horse named Horace who kicked my head in after my parents neglected watching me. Or at least that's what child services said.

3) Cleaning Granny's dentures. It was sick, like I mean vomit sick. One day I put hot sauce on them because Granny was pissing me off. She didn't even react. I think because she was drunk. When she gave me only one quarter, I gave her the finger, and I quit.

4) Working at Hortons. My very first shift, I badly burned a client with a fresh pot of coffee and I got caught eating the left over honey crullers in front of customers. I didn't care anyways because they were pricks. Who throws out donuts anyways??? I was fired.

5) Sucking farts out of bus seats? Okay, even at the time I thought it was sketchy. I should have known Adam, my hockey teammate, wasn't a real employer. Hind sight is 20/20 my friends. I barely sucked any out anyways. I was just playing along...

Monday, August 1, 2011

Why I'll Never Go Camping Again

5) When I was sitting in a fold out chair by the campfire, my leg fell asleep and made it's way to said fire. It took me 5 minutes to realize I could see bone. Talk about well-done (i'm being sarcastic, I was actually badly burned and was told i'll never properly walk again. So, pretty serious stuff).

4) Of course, mom and dad picked a camp site on a hill, so guess what happened next? That's right, clumsy old me tripped and rolled violently to the bottom. My parents were sleeping, so I was down there for a good two days till they found me. I think every mosquito in existence had a bite. I was quite ripe by the time I went home.

3) Getting attacked by Jason Vorhees was the single most terrifying moment of my life.

2) Uncle Charles got drunk and decided to play with some illegal fireworks. I'm talking hand grenades. By the end, half the campsite was charred and Granny was missing. Man, those things are LOUD. Who knew?

1) After dad took a number 2 in a "OUTHOUSE", he didn't even flush and I was overcome by the smell and the amount he pooped. It was a massive pile. I couldn't fucking believe it. He must have had some tummy ache before....since he clearly had about 50 pounds of shit in him.

For these reasons, and these reasons alone, i'll never camp again.